So Many Reasons

Even as a person more prone to seeing the glass half-empty, I cannot deny that in my life I have been so very fortunate, that on even a bad day, I have so much more going for me than I can even begin to fathom. Beyond the basic necessities (food, clean water, shelter, clothing, etc.), I have so much more than I deserve.

Top on my list is a loving, supporting family. Throughout my life, I have never doubted that my parents were my biggest supporters. While we have encountered some challenging times (and quite frankly, still do), without their trust, encouragement, and guidance, I would not be where I am today. They challenged me to do my best, they allowed me to follow my own path. The taught me the importance of honesty, integrity, and compassion; hard-work, dedication, loyalty. Because of this, I feel free to take trips to places like Kazakhstan. I dare to dream of a life that doesn't fit into any mold. I know that love is the greatest gift we can share. I know that I will always have a place that I can call home.

Now, I have to give credit to a few other members of my family...actually, quite a few. I look back on my childhood and realize that I didn't just have my parents looking after me, but a whole slew of aunts and uncles (even great-aunts and great-uncles), not to mention both sets of my grandparents. We are a weird bunch, one that I often question how it is even possible that we function in the real world, or how we work together for that matter. But, we do. As the majority of us were gathered around the table (sadly, my parents were unable to join us) enjoying a delicious feast prepared by many capable hands, there was no complaining, no whining. No one jockeying for the last bits of dressing or criticizing the quality of the gravy (not that it was in need of criticism). I am so fortunate that the rifts in our family our so few, and I pray that at some point everyone experiences the same sense of love and belonging. To belong to a family with so many whom I would love and respect even if they were not my relatives is rare. For them to treat me as a friend as well is my great fortune.

 

I have to give a special shout out to my grandmother, the one with whom I still live, and my grandfather down in Texas. My dad's mom has the best humor and luckily doesn't take herself too seriously...I think it has allowed her to survive her five sons AND the abuse she receives from her granddaughter. (Considering how many of my co-workers think she spends her days plotting her next liquor store robber, perhaps I am the worst offender)

As for my grandpa in Texas--while I may dream of some fairly ambitious things, he encourages me to take it one step further. Whether he is encouraging me to buy a motorcycle to drive cross-country or to make my way down the Mississippi on a small raft (he promised me he would pay bail any time I was arrested for stealing chickens), my grandpa has always believed I could do anything I wanted...even rule the world..with a little hard work and dedication...and if I became an accountant.

Without my family, I would have never learned what it means to be a friend. And without my friends, I would lead a boring, miserable life. I have such a diverse group of friends that I cannot even begin to describe how each one adds color to my life. I can say this though about each and every person I call my friend. They are intelligent, compassionate, witty, and fun. They all possess beautiful souls and are so incredibly generous and humble. They all in some way help me to be a better version of myself, challenging me to stretch and grow. I often think I take far more than I could ever give, and even in this, they seem not to mind. It gets harder to maintain friendships as you get older, and I admit that some of the people about whom I cared greatly are disappearing into the background. That doesn't lessen my gratitude for them because even those who are a part of my past have given me so much to help me create my future. 

I am thankful for my job. As frustrating and challenging (and occasionally monotonous) as it can be, it is still a company that recognizes the importance of its employees. It recognizes the value of its consumers. It gives generously to local non-profits, promoting education, the arts, the food pantry, and so much more. Even better, I get to work with some of the most creative minds in America. Daily, I am astounded by the genius that surrounds me, particularly my little group of co-workers in our department who never fail to make smile. Goodness knows what it is like to go to work with people you don't care about on a day-to-day basis. I am not sure if I could do that for very long...

And I could go on for so very long with the remaining things I am thankful for, but I will try to make the last few things quick:

• Health
• Financial Stability
• Books (particularly mysteries that keep me up way past my bedtime)
• Libraries
• Bread and Cheese
• The ability to travel just about anywhere I want
• Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens (not particularly, but just checking to see if you were paying attention still)
• Wales and all the amazing people with whom I studied while over there (Dw i eisiau mynd i Gymru!)
• Laughter
• My stuffed rabbit
• So many wonderful memories

Okay...that is it. I have run out of steam on this. And I know that this entire post has been one big cliche, I don't care. Because, the truth is I want people to know this. I want my friends to know how much they mean to me. I want my family to know that I recognize just how crucial their love and support has been. And I want the world to see that I am only who I am, at least the very best of who I am, because I have been so very fortunate. 

One of Those Days

Or, maybe one of those weeks...one of those months? I don't want to go so far as to say it has been one of those years, but it has been a bit rough lately. I feel exhausted. You would think having come back from a trip, I wouldn't feel so lethargic, but I find myself struggling to get my head back in the game.

At work, it is hard to reengage. Every day I go through the motions, doing just enough of what is necessary to keep up with what needs to be done, but my mind is floating somewhere off in the clouds. I try hard to focus because the last thing I ever want to do is a bad job, and so far I think I am managing. But, I am noticing small things, details that others may not see, that suggest to me that my grip is loosening, that all I have worked toward is starting to unravel. It makes me angry at myself for losing control, it makes me sad for those whom I may be letting down, and it makes me wonder how much longer I can hold on until things fall apart. Perhaps I have just reached a bit of a slump, that once I make it past this small lapse of attention, the situation will improve and I will feel invested in my work once again. Right now, I am clinging to this notion, that there will be a time where things go more smoothly, that every day doesn't feel like a battle. All that said, I still strongly believe in my partners, the people who make the wonderful product I do my best to categorize, organize, and the like. Without them, their good humor, their passion, I would find it very difficult to find a reason not to walk away.

Family life seems to be following its normal trajectory, currently on one of its downswings, if I were to be honest. My mom is sick again (she was admitted to the hospital on Friday); my sister is still recovering from surgery about a month ago, so she isn't quite back on her feet again. As always, outwardly I seem rather indifferent to it all...when people being in the hospital/getting surgery becomes the norm rather than the exception, I think it is one way to prevent yourself from becoming a perpetual nervous wreck...inside, waves of worry wash over me. There are also mixed emotions of frustration and helplessness. I never know what the right thing to do is any more. When talking with my mother, it sometimes takes all the patience in the world to keep my mouth shut...really, all she wants is for someone to listen and take her seriously. With my sister, I always get off the phone with the distinct impression that all she wants from me is a check that includes at least three zeroes in it. Sadly, sometimes to assuage my ever growing guilt, compliance is the easiest solution. At least until the next time it happens, some three to six months later.

On a positive note, there are lots of good things in my life, too. (Slightly obscured by the not so good.) First and foremost, I am healthy. I am fortunate to have good friends who care about me, even when I keep them at arm's length or longer. I have the time to pursue things I enjoy, whether it be baking cookies, reading a book about art thieves, or researching upcoming travel locales (I am currently debating: South America in February, Italy in late May, or, dare I say it, both?). Despite an increasing sense of despair, the rational side of me knows that I have the power to change it all. While I have no control over what others may do with their lives (and no control over how their decisions may or may not affect me), I can control what I do, and experience has taught me if I the choice I make isn't the best one, it doesn't prevent me from making another choice.

I just need to remind myself this over and over. So, if you pass me by, and I appear to be mumbling incoherently, it is probably me repeating this to myself. Whatever works to get through the rough times, right?