Vanishing Acts

As many of you know, I walk. A lot. And it was during one of these regular perambulations at lunch today that I began to wonder, "What if I kept walking and never looked back?" I didn't have much on me outside of my Hallmark badge and my mp3 player, so at the time I wouldn't have gotten very far. 

But the idea kept tickling the back of my brain as I wandered around. What if I had had my car keys with me, my wallet?  What would it have been like to hop in my car, no explanation given, and just drive wherever the road led me? This is not the first time, and I am guessing not the last time, such thoughts have crept into my mind unbidden. I admit that there is nothing in my life that would require me to disappear, and for the most part, I would never want to. Still, I find the idea of leaving this old life behind completely, divesting myself of all baggage, good and bad, to start new alluring. No longer be Wendy, but choose for myself a new name, a new persona, a new everything. 

In my mind, I was working out how best not to leave a trace, the ridiculous knowledge from watching too many police shows clouding my mind with a Hollywood-type plan.  I would have to ditch the cell phone, the credit cards, find a way to create a new identity with all proper documentation. No longer could I rely on credentials obtained as my former self...hard work and charm would be the only way to secure a job in this fictional new life. I would have to change my behaviors perhaps even my appearance. (However, it seems to be I have that look about me where people assume I am someone they know. It can be annoying after awhile...I know I am not alone, but I feel a bit like I have been blessed/cursed with a face that blends in seamlessly into most cities, a face so...undistinguished  I could be any woman.) Crazy. A lot of work. Wholly unnecessary. Strangely, exciting.

After thinking about all the things that I would have to do, I began to wonder about those left behind. And that is where I began to realize how truly perverse the idea was. While it might seem exciting to plan, I couldn't live knowing about the worry I create for my parents and other family members. There would be challenges I would leave behind at work, gaps in things that I participate in regularly. Even if I were to somehow communicate my well-being to my parents, the "Why" would haunt them forever, I think. In novels, when a character purposely disappears, she may send loved ones an occasional postcard, never from where they currently are mind you, as reassurance that if nothing else, they are alive. But does that add more anguish to those behind?

Why was I thinking all this on a beautiful spring day? I am not sure. I could put it down to the fact that when I walk, I think, a lot. Mainly about me (because I am quite the narcissist in this way). Much of my life has been a struggle of me as I am with me as I want to be. In many ways, a clean slate would be far easier way to approach the world anew than taking who I am now and shaping it into who I know I can be. While my family and friends have always been nothing but supportive and understanding, they have only known me to be the reliable one, the responsible one. I am predictable. I am quiet and reserved. Shy to a fault. It is tiresome to be this all the time, but it is hard to act in a way out of character without fearing for a reaction from others. Instead of hearing questions or criticisms if I veer off my traditional path, it seems as if it would be far easier just to leave it all behind. As I am more and more seriously considering doing just this, it comes top of mind far more often. (This being "veering off my traditional path," not disappearing into thin air!)

I know I am not alone in my thoughts, but in many ways that isn't necessarily reassuring. It seems like a fun idea at first...exciting to try on a whole new persona...but what you leave behind still follows you, and really, your essential self remains the same. Or so I have learned. Perhaps this is why fiction exists. To give its authors a chance to adopt multiple personae and recreate these scenarios without ever having to drive on down the highway, catch that train to nowhere, or hop on that bus to the airport. Something for me to think about, I guess.

Have you ever felt 'this close' to running away from it all? What is the closest you have ever gotten? And, perhaps, would you say there are times it would be wholly justified?

(P.S. As I read the above questions, I had this weird feeling as if I am a teacher asking her class for personal reflections. Oops! Not at all intentional, I promise!)