I noticed that I was pretty close to the brink today as I found myself blinking back tears as I made what had to be the fifth Excel spreadsheet to request certain updates for the website, trying to think how poorly I must have communicated the changes the first four times that a fifth request was needed. I realized also that while this particular request would take care of one section of the content on our website, several other areas may have the same errors, so I would have to verify that those, too, hadn't been incorrectly updated. It wasn't as bad as I had feared, but there was a need to create spreadsheet number six.
I apologize if the paragraph above doesn't make a whole lot of sense. To be honest, it makes little sense to me. The way in which I do my job should be much simpler. I am not sure if I am the one who has made it as complicated as it is by 1) not asserting my boundaries or my abilities more clearly or by 2) not having the creativity or insight to think of a better process with the technology/tools we have available. And while I would like to believe that up until this point, I have managed pretty well in my job, I doubt even that. With every update I request, I feel like my grasp on things is slipping. If I were doing my job well, I would be contributing to a positive consumer experience. Instead, I feel like all I do is add noise to the site.
I occasionally voice some of my frustrations to my very patient and understanding co-workers, but I am not sure I do not convey just how insane this makes me. There are some days I cannot look at the website because I know that the second I lay eyes on it, I will immediately find three things I have done wrong. Seriously, at the end of a day like today, I am convinced that it would be better for everyone if I walked away, leaving it all behind, maybe taking my around-the-world trip I have been dreaming about for so long...or at least finding a job that I wouldn't screw up so badly.
Am I really as incompetent as I feel today? If I were fair to myself, I would say no. Indeed, I would say that on a good day, I do my job well. My greatest frustration comes from the fact that in NOT doing my job well, I feel as if I am not holding up my part of the business. I am not providing the support to my co-workers that they deserve--this year in particular has been stressful, and despite challenges outside of our control, they have created some amazing product. The last thing I want is to do something that would prevent the consumer from seeing their efforts, and in turn, prevent making that sale. I don't want to contribute to an already stressful situation with my incompetence.
Will tomorrow be as rough as today? Probably not. I will come in, foolish optimism renewed, thinking that this time, everything will fall into place, and that maybe, just maybe, this time we will all be able to effect some kind of change. Because if I stop trying, then I really will be letting my co-workers down. In truth, we all just need a break. It feels like we have been running on near empty for so long now, that soon we will just stall altogether. (Know that this is probably my projecting onto others...I have never asked them directly how they feel nor do I pretend to speak for them on this. It is just my impression of department morale.)
Of course, maybe all we need will be the between Christmas and New Years. A little over a week, and we all will have a nice, long break from it all, time to spend with family and friends, doing whatever we please. I'll be in Texas, visiting my parents and grandpa, and also seeing a good friend from high school. That should be a huge help. Until then, I will just count down until tomorrow evening so I can have just two days :)
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