Weekend in Review and a Serious Question

Is the weekend over already? I still have so much more I should have gotten done! (Don't we all?)  Still, if I were to look at all I was able to accomplish, I guess it wasn't completely lost. There were lots of other things in between, but here are the highlights:

1. Planted tomatoes, eggplants, cucumbers, remaining squash plants and strawberries

2. Weekly trip to the library, where I dropped off a couple of books and picked up about three more in exchange (I have a lot of reading to do if I want to finish all these before my trip!)

3. Cantoring at church without too many screw-ups (last couple of times have not been so great...)

4. Grocery shopping for the week

5. Made an apple danish braid for the fun of it (and will share tomorrow with co-workers)

6. Celebrated the May birthdays in my family with a barbecue and way too much food!  Great company, though.

I think I did a couple of other things in there, but it was a rather strange weekend in that I didn't get as much walking in as I normally do. The unseasonably cool air that has settled in over the city for the weekend discouraged me from embracing the outdoors. And, I realize that is not THAT cold out there, but the air has been a little damp and chill, and it feels like a very long time since the sun has shown itself. My increased time indoors has left me feeling a little out of sorts, but hopefully as the weather begins to warm up, that will change.

Ok, so maybe it isn't just the time indoors or the weather that is nagging at me. My mom is once again struggling with a lot of pain and her health issues, which in turn, stresses my father out no end. It is difficult to pick up the phone and call home when you know that things are difficult for them and there is nothing you can really do. You would think by now that I would have been inured to this reality, and that I could endure some of these conversations with more patience and more grace. More or less, the above situation has been my life for the past 18 years, and yet it never gets any easier. Watching her these past years has left me angry, sad, depressed, and so many other things--it made me wonder whether anyone in the medical profession even gives a damn about their patients. It made me wonder if my mom had some kind of problem that went far beyond her injuries and pain (again, thinking such things made me feel like the bad daughter) that she refused to admit. I have cried because of all the pain she has had to endure, I have cried over the fact that she has had to give up so much because of her health issues (a career, a life outside of the home, the ability to travel or even to spend time with her family). I think of what my dad has had to give up to help take care of my mom (advancing in his career, traveling, enjoying a life free of hospitals, illness, and the inability to ease the pain of someone you love more than anything else). Heck, if I were to be honest, I have cried for myself more often than I would like to admit. ("mourning my lost childhood" or whatever trite cliche I can apply to it that is only marginally true if that.)

 had to move away from Texas for my parents and for me--otherwise, I would still be so mired in the all-consuming worry and responsibility that had stunted my ability to forge my own life. Yet, I cannot help but feeling like a bad daughter, guilty of abandoning my mother and father when they are struggling with every day. My grandfather lives right next door to them and does all that he can, but he, too, isn't in the best of health. And while my parents are kind, considerate people who offer their help to others, their social circle is a small one, and a strange mixture of pride and uncertainty prevents them from asking for help.

I try not let this situation dominate my life, but the result of that is an almost complete suppression of reality--if I pretend it isn't happening except for those couple hours a week when I call home, everything will be okay, right? If anyone asks, my response sounds cold and callous, as if I don't really care that my mom is in so much pain she cannot leave her bed and my dad is worrying himself to death. But I still don't know what to do. 

I don't know how to provide comfort or support beyond what I do now. Part of me toys with the idea of moving back home, but as I mentioned above, that would mean giving up my life in order to take care of my parents. (And yes, I recognize it isn't necessarily an either/or kind of thing, BUT I know me, and what I tend to do when around family--my sense of duty and obligation are so ingrained, I couldn't do anything but help if that makes sense). Most people would have gone back long ago I think. Maybe I am just too selfish to do what I should...I just don't know. 

Most likely, I will do what I normally do--wait it out, knowing that throughout my mom and dad are struggling to be heard by the doctors, that it will get worse before it evens out once again and maybe, just maybe gets better, and then just waiting for the cycle to repeat itself. I hate being so passive, and I hate the fact that there really isn't anything I can do about it. I hate the fact that I am having a harder time imagining a life where my mom is one day well or at least not in debilitating pain. So, in the end, I am just left feeling sad and helpless. And a little more tired. I am most worried about the day that I lose all ability to hope for a different life for my mom and dad because hope is the one thing that trumps all these negative emotions--that maybe for once, they will get things right.  (sorry for all the rambling--it is a hard topic about which to write because I could go on forever about the complications and complexities that I have left out, and NO one wants to get in that much detail about my life.)

So, my serious question--what would you do? What can I do to be a better daughter, to be more supportive, caring, considerate? What can I do to help ease my parents' stress beyond what I am doing now?